Entering Sexpo is just like entering any tradeshow: packed and overwhelming. You spend the first few minutes just trying to orientate: Where am I, where should I be going? You get sucked along with the crowd past the first of many, many sex stores displaying cheap wang-bong vibrators and poorly made R rated porn.
Reenergised, I start heading towards the back of that hall again stopping at the stalls, buying show bags and all the while flirting with the sales girls. Why? Because it’s Sexpo! You can’t help yourself! Once the moment has caught up with you it’s embrace it or go home! I even started rethinking my attitudes towards posing with Keisha.
After watching Keisha suck on a Dildo again my senses caught up and sanity prevailed. There will be no photo with Keisha and in fact I’m starting to wonder if Keisha is the anti-sexpo. How can a porn star rob me of the lust for Sexpo that I had not 2 minutes before?
My eyes catch another attraction.
Ride the Gerbil! Ride the fucking Gerbil! The Gerbil is like a Ghost Train for sex. In fact, I think they just bought a second hand ghost train and gave the ghosts hard-ons! After queuing up for 5 minutes and handing over your $4 (maybe the cheapest thing at Sexpo) you sit in the Gerbil and hold on to the handrail. My handrail was a set of boobs. My brother hung on to the cocks, but only because I made him - and since I was paying I thought it was only fair.
I don’t remember much about the Gerbil. It was very dark and hard to see but I’m pretty sure a robot cum on my face. It made spots on my glasses! Would have been nice to actually see more inside the ride but then again maybe not. I wouldn’t recommend the Gerbil not even at $4.
With two Sexpo setbacks I had to get the mojo back and fast! The most famous, not to be missed show at Sexpo is the Sexpo Showgirls and they were on in 15 minutes. Time to hit the stage!
Nice and early, I got a place right up the front and waited patiently. Patiently? Yeah right. The next 15 minutes was full of “Now what’s the time?” as my brother faithfully answered, “Two minutes since you last asked!” I stopped asking and used the clock on my phone instead. Every time I looked at my phone the picture of my 3 year old son stared back at me from the screen as if to say ‘Where are you Dad? Can I come?’ He would have liked Sexpo.
It’s 9.15 and Russell the-only-thing-I-ever-did-was-the-postie-on-The-Comedy-Company Gilbert takes to the stage with the requisite ‘RUSSELLLLL!!!’ from the bogans in the crowd. It’s time for the Showgirls!
The Showgirls are Jewell, Taylor and Trinity. Taylor and Trinity profess to be lesbian lovers in one of the trucker magazines. Lucky for us they found each other! The show is awesome. The most awesome thing at Sexpo, in fact the most awesome thing in Perth ever! Well worth the price of admission three times over. That’s when it happened. Camera blazing I went from sane adult to crazed pervert. The sort of crazed pervert I remember being at 16 years old but not since. Crazed and irrational.
Jewell is now my one and only and if the chance arose we would run off together and live happily ever after! What wife? What children? They are dead to me. I love Jewell and I’m sure with a bit of help, the sort of help found in the character of John Fowels’s book, The Collector, she would love me too!
The Showgirls perform to 3 songs – ending, quite amazingly, with Jewell receiving a bath from the other girls (including a “clean” that only a cat is used to in the privates!) Taylor then showered me with the water from the sponge. The perks of being up front!
After the show I only existed in 16-year-old crazy perve mode. Showgirl show bags are available from the side of the stage complete with a DVD of tonight’s performance and a picture with the girls. My girls. My Jewell!
I hurried. I may have pushed people over, but in my defence they shouldn’t have been in the way! I jumped in line.
“Here’s $30, $60 just take my fucking wallet, I don’t care!”
At this point I have no idea where my brother is. I left him behind. He could be dead for all I care. I’m going to meet Jewell! I later found out he was busy watching a silhouette of a couple fucking or making out or some such shit.
I wait in line.
The man running the stall is very protective of the girls, maybe too much. These girls were just on stage, swapping spit with a thousand cameras flashing at them, yet now that they are in the stall photography seems to be outlawed.
“Oi, put it away! You want a picture you pay!” he yells every time he sees a flash go off towards the girls. He seems tough but I’m sure I could take him if he gets inbetween my beloved Jewell and I!
My turn. I sit on a stool between the lovers and wrap my hands around their waist. Jewell sits in front. I think at this point I should mention that the 16-year-old perve is also a polite gentleman. I was shocked. I found myself using all my “please” and “thankyous” as I talk to the girls. It was uncontrollable yet the girls seemed to like it. It may have shocked them too. In the time it took for the camera to go click I was pushed along to a new line, autographs.
The girls take all the pictures for everyone in line then move down to the table to sign the trucker magazine and their poster. I wait patiently. In only moments I’m going to talk to Jewell and she is going to run away with me and we are going to have our happily ever after moment.
I wait in line.
Jewell talks to me, me! I love a girl who makes the first move!
“What’s your name sweetie?”
I melt.
Pause.
Shit, I have to talk.
“Jason.”
She starts personalising a copy of her poster for me.
“How’s your day been?”
A second question. This is my way in. This is my time to tell her everything!
“Er….”
I squeak.
“Gre…great.”
“That’s awesome honey. This is Jason.”
Jewell tells the other girls my name. Taylor says something but I don’t hear her. I have stopped listening. I feel myself shuffle away from Jewell. At the end of the desk I am given my posters and told to wait again for my photo. The moment has passed. I have lost her forever.
When the photos are done Trinity comes out to the crowd and hands them out. I never see Jewell again.
I find my brother staring at the porno silhouettes and ask him if there is anything else he would like to do. We head towards the one place we haven’t been, The Laporium. Is that even a word?
The Laporium is just a sleazy strip joint inside the hall. It’s dark, smelly and creepy, just like a real strip joint. I pay the cover charge for both of us, $20, before we enter and find a chair.
On stage is a sweaty girl with no attractive features wriggling around on the floor like she is having an epileptic fit. I start wondering if anyone is going to help her or if I should call an ambulance. No one seems to be worried so I don’t either.
Moments later we are approached by a girl who starts gyrating on the bench in front of us. She is drenched with sweat and has a smell I don’t recognise. Her eyes told us that she was under the influence of something and it wasn’t alcohol.
She grabs my brother’s leg. I have trouble making out the conversation over the noise.
“What’s your name?”
“Daniel.”
“I can give you a dance.”
“Ur…”
I should say that sometimes, Daniel sounds like Butthead from MTV’s Beavis and Butthead. I don’t think it’s intentional but if it is he is really good at it.
“Ur….I don’t have any money.”
“But you’re at Sexpo, you have money! $40!”
She licks her finger and runs it down her body till it finally finds her crotch where it lingers. That’s when she looks to me.
“What’s your name?”
I try not to answer. She doesn’t give up.
“How about $50 for both.”
“No we are fine. Thank you.”
She leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. I ask my brother if he wants to leave the Laporium. He answers by making for the door.
I bathe in the neon light and fresh air that waits outside The Laporium. I look up, maybe to thank the Lord for getting me out of such an awful place and I see the big screen for the stage is gearing up for the next performance, the amateur strip.
The amateur strip is open to anyone who wants to take his or her clothes off in front of the crowd. There are only two rules. The crowd is not allowed to boo and the strippers don’t need to take off their underwear.
The girls are first up. Russell takes up his MC duties and goes down the line of contestants.
“What’s your name?”
“Chantel!!!!! Whoooo!!!”
“Hey alright!. What do you do Chantel?”
“Hair dresser!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!”
Chantel has brought a friend, it seems, because the next girl is also a hairdresser. Russell uses this as an opportunity to show the crowd why he hasn’t been on TV for 20 years.
“I went to the hairdresser once and asked for an Elvis cut. The hairdresser shaved off all my hair! I said oi, this isn’t how Elvis wore his hair to which the hairdresser replied. It would be if he fucken had his hair cut here!”
Oh why isn’t The Comedy Company still on TV?! It made me laugh when I was eight!
The girls get a couple of minutes to strip. I was really excited that the girl who was not really fat but had enough crevasses on her front to lose M&M’s and such had enough of a positive body image to strip in front of everyone. I wish I had that confidence!
Eventually a winner is picked through the impartial, “audience applause” method, while the girls who lost immediately show remorse across their faces. Some even go so far as to cover themselves with their arms even though only moments before they were dancing like ladettes just before closing. The winner received a bag of goodies from Adult Shop apparently worth $200. Not really worth whoring yourself up on stage for, granted, but the audience had fun and that’s all that matters in show business.
The guys go next and Russell doesn’t disappoint.
“What’s you name?”
“Christian.”
“Ur huh”
Russell starts giggling at the joke he’s about to tell.
“I didn’t ask about your religion, I said what’s your name!”
“Christian.”
It becomes obvious Christian doesn’t get the joke. Russell wants to explain it to him.
“No, ur I said what’s your name and you said Christian like the church!”
“Oh”
“Yeah, get it! What do you do for a job?”
“Painter”
“Yeah well its obvious you have been sniffing too many of those fumes!”
Russell moves on.
Eventually the guys strip down to the jocks and reveal novelty jocks available from one of the stores. A winner is named and the rest show the same remorse as the women from before. They leave the stage wondering if they lost because they have a small penis.
With that we ended our night. In the end it turned out to be a lot of fun. If I had to pick some faults it would be that all the show bags were basically the same, not enough credit card facilities and taking a bulldozer to the Laporium would be nice. Also a few more topless girls and for WA to change it’s laws on X rated movies so the Sexpo can sell porn worth watching.
I’ll end with the picture of me with the Sexpo Showgirls. The love of my life in down in front.
I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last 3 years. 3 years ago I was living in Darlington with my wife and 2 kids. I worked 5 days a week and I actually thought my marriage was doing OK. LinkArtist was growing and moving forward and, for the most part I thought everyone was happy. We were even trying for a baby!
